A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
“Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
“Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
“No problem! I’ll write you a check!”
“Very good, sir.” says the shop owner.
“Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.”
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!”
“I just had to come by,” grinned the guy, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. “How was work, dear?” his wife asks.
“Listen! I don’t want to talk about work!” he shouts.
“Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?” she asks nicely.
“Listen!” he shouts again. “I’m not hungry! I don’t wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?”
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, “Well, I guess it’s that time of the month.”
A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
“Oh man,” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.
Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.”
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”
The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs.”
The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??
There once was 3 fish (the mom,dad,son) who needed a place to sleep.
The mom slept in the kitchen sink.
The dad slept in the the bathtub.
The son slept in the toilet.
The next morning the dad asked the mom how her night was.
“Okay, but it was a little too small, said the mom”
The mom asked the dad how his night was.
“Just fine. There was a lot of room to swim,” said the dad.
The dad asked his son how his night was.
“Horrible!!”, said the son. It was raining scat and logs all night long!!
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
One morning, a mama cow and her three baby cows were out grazing in the field. The first baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says, “Mama, why is my name Daisy?”
And the mama cow said, “Well sweetie, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head.”
And the first baby cow trotted off, satisfied.
The next day, they were all out in the field again. The second baby cow came up to the mama cow and said, “Mama, why is my name Tulip?”
“Well, honey, when you were born a tulip fell on your head.”
And the baby cow was happy with that answer and continued grazing.
The next day, they all went out into the field again to graze. The third baby cow came up to the mama cow and said,
And the mama cow said,
“SHUT UP BRICK!!!”
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?”
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks: “Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?”
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: “I don’t fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.