What’s the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can’t bird.
Two Lions are eating a clown..
and then one lion says to the other..
..”This tastes funny”..
Two men were walking their dogs together. The first guy with a Chocolate lab and the second a Chihuahua
The first guy says, “Hey, you want to get something to eat?”
The second guy replies, “Yeah, but they all have signs that say ‘No Dogs Allowed’.”
The first guy with the lab puts sunglasses on and hands the other guy a pair. “Follow my lead,” he says.
As he walks into the restaurant a waiter stops him and says, “Sir, no dogs allowed.”
The man replies, “It’s O.K., this is my seeing eye dog.” The waiter apologizes and leads the man to a table as the second man enters.
The same waiter stops him but the guy says, “This is my seeing eye dog. I’m with the other guy.”
The waiter replies, “Sir, you can’t fool me, you have a Chihuahua.”
The man freaks out and says, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, “That’s crazy, you don’t know nothing about no lion taming.”
“Yes I do!”
“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”
“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”
“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”
“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”
“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”
“Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”
“Well, what if that gun doesn’t work? What will you do then?”
“Well, then I pick up some of the shit that’s on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
“Well, what if there ain’t no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”
“Well, that’s dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don’t work, there’s going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”
A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.
The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”
A sloth calls the police to report that he was attacked and robbed by a gang of turtles. When the police ask him to describe the attack, he replies:
It… all… happened….. soooooo … fasssst…..”